Death of the AMS: the Avatarverse Mary Sue
by Pico the Great
Summary: I EAT MARY SUES FOR BREAKFAST.
1. Prologue And Statement of Purpose

The Avatarverse Sue

Faster than a speeding Sokka!

Able to leap tall icebergs in a single bound!

Look! Up there in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's…OH MY GOD IT'S A MARY SUE QUICK SHIELD YOUR EYES RUN AWAY HIDE THE CHILDREN!

They are everywhere. They are inescapable. And they must all die.

They are the Mary Sues of the Avatarverse.

The show "Avatar" has not even been around for a full season, but already the Sues are spawning like maggots over this show. They are unavoidable: one may not surf for five seconds on without running into such a title as "Zuko's First Love" or a summary "…a mysterious girl is found (insert place here). She is revealed to have the mysterious power of (insert absurdability ending with '-bending' here). Will (insert canon character here) fall in love with her!OMG!1!11!tehone."

And the stories they come up with! The slaughter of the canon characters! Sokka, made to cower and snark without relief! Zuko, made to say "please!" Katara, made to admire a thirteen-year-old with "sprays of auburn locks like molten copper falling to her waist in gentle curls like the sea and eyes black as midnight with two shining stars in one and a lightning bolt in the other that prophesied the end of the Firebender War and the beginning of the Golden Age That Was To Come!"

Ladies (and gentlemen, if there are any out there), this must end.

I know it will not. I know that there will inevitably be thousands more "another airbender"s or "the girl from the modern era who somehow manages to get Zuko to fall in love with her"s, or dreaded, dreadedself-insertions. I know that I am not capable of stopping the horror.

But I am able to parody it.

I am not expecting to be popular for this. I am altogether too sarcastic for that. This is just my own gut reaction to the dreadful pieces popping up in the wake of this show. I know Avatar is not the only show that's been molested like this. Harry Potter, for pete's sake. Yu Yu Hakusho. Trigun. Lord of the Rings. Pirates of the Frickin' Caribbean. I picked Avatar because I enjoy the show, not really any other reason. I have watched its viewership grow from null to thousands, and, I have watched the number of fanfics from one to over two hundred (two hundred seven, as the number now stands.)

As I have stated, this will be my outlet of AMS (Avatar Mary-Sue) parodies. No emotional damage is meant toward anyone, I'm sure. But if you can, do let me know what your views are, if there's a fic you want me to parody, if you hate me, anything. The review button's right down there.


	2. AMS Number One: The ZukoFound Sue

Avatarverse Sue #1: The Zuko-Found Sue.

Type: Unspecified. Supposedly Biznatch-Attitude; however, also classifies under Sorrowful, Pained, Loving, Longing, and Spunky. (subsets: Eyelash-Batting, Willowy, Tempramental.)

The ship was in the process of docking at an unnamed Fire Nation Port when Zuko recoiled from the telescope and clapped his hands to his good eye.

"My lord! What is it?" Several Fire Nation troops scurried up, surrounding the prince.

"There, on the beach..." Zuko gestured eastward. One of the behelmed troops stared over the railing. There was something shining on the beach, down below. He adjusted the telescope and looked into it apprehensively...

"Aaagh!"

Another Firebender tentatively broke off from the group around Zuko and approached the first. "Miano? What is it? What did you see?"

"...a girl... on the beach..."

"Then why- your eye, Miano! What's wrong with your eye?"

Miano crouched, clawing at his eye. He spoke without rising, addressing himself to Zuko. "...her hair, Milord. It's silver."

"Yes, I noticed," said Zuko.

* * *

Jewelle Ebonywings sat up and looked around. No matter that she had just spent seventeen days floating on the ocean surface without a drop to drink: she sat up anyway. And sprang to her feet, glaring wickedly at the ring of Firebenders not three feet about her. 

(OMGA/N: Jewelle Ebonywings IS AL MINE NO 1 CAN STELE HERE CUZ SHES MY CHARRRy. She is seven feet tall and had purple eyes with a silver slash in one and a scar across the other shaped like a full moon and her hair was silver like the moonlight on a clam ocean and pearls in it and she have balck wings blacker than the balckest ebony and she was thin and looked like a model like really preaty but she was strong too.)

"Who are you, and what are you doing here!" she exclaimed, spunkily.

"Actually I believe that to be my line." A Firebender stepped between the others, into the ring and toward Jewelle Ebonywings. He was rather younger than the others, only a teenager. Nevertheless he appeared to be in command. _OMG I bet hes lyke relly hott w/ his shirt off_, thought Jewelle. "So who the hot- I mean, who the heck are you?"

The authority-figure frowned. "What is "heck"?" Then he reconsidered. "Never mind, I don't want to know."

"OmG, u dunno, heck is lyke this, um I think its called a, inter'jection." Jewelle Ebonywings batted her eyelashes at the teenager.

"I was right. I didn't want to know." The authority-figure sighed. "You're not a Firebender. What are you doing on Fire Nation territory?"

"I could be asking you the same question, Prince Zuko." An older man stepped into the ring behind the one who had been revealed to be a prince. "But for the sake of time, I will not. Who is this?"

Jewelle Ebonywings drew herself up regally and tossed her silver hair, not noticing as everyone suddenly clapped their hands to their eyes. "How DARE you speak to me lyke that mortal I am the Almighty Dragonsdauughter Jewelle Ebonywings and I am the last Celestialbender in the entyre Avatarverse! I demand that you show me to Ozai, so that I can put an end to this foolish warr and forever create peace between the Fire Nation and the other Nations- I mean, Tribes- I mean, Kingd- I shall put an end to this foolish WARRRRRR and forever bring peace and make this an electivedemocracy!"

The Firebenders stared at her, stunned.

Iroh stared at her, nonplussed.

Zuko stared at her sourly. "Are you done?"

"No! YOu will fight me Prince Zuko and I will win and you will become my boi-toy!"

Zuko rolled his eyes.

Jewelle Ebonywings drew herself up regally and a spark came out of her fingers and shot at Zuko. He sidestepped it and threw a single fireball. Jewelle was rendered mortally wounded.

"Oh, Zuko my love, what have you done! This is lyke a tragic!"

"No it's not."

"STFU, yo, yes it is! And I shall die, now, and be lifted up into the heavens, and you shall never know that I was actually ...your long-lost sister!"

"...I'm an only child."

"...your long-lost cousin, who loved you with an undying love that not even a thousand waterbenders could quench. The only thing that can save me now is..."

Jewelle Ebonywings fell silent.

Zuko nudged the body with the toe of his boot.

"...is a kiss, deep and passionate!"

Zuko was already on his way back to the ship.


	3. AMS Number Two: Zuko Does Not Want A Si...

PTG: Hey yo all. Just a quick note: I was originally planning to switch off: one chapter Zuko-AMS, one chapter Aang-Gang-AMS. But this one is just too priceless to leave to the Aang Gang. Zuko would appreciate it more.

And a thank you to everyone who reviewed! Yay! I'm glad this fic(s) makes people happy! (big grin)

* * *

Avatarverse Sue#2: Zuko Does Not Want A Significant OC.

Type: Maudlin and Obsessed. Subsets: Loving, Dirty-Minded, Obsessive.

Zuko knelt before the table, deeply engaged in the study of a large map. Papers were spread out in a wide circle about the map's edges, stacked three deep in some places. Some of them were routine, describing economic transactions between the Fire Nation and other areas. These tended toward the bottom of the piles. The top papers were filled with matters concerning the Avatar: false trails, eyewitness accounts, histories and folktales. Sketches of the Avatar, his friends, and his animals, so that passers-by could be questioned. The map itself was painted with a dark track, showing the Avatar's trail the past few days. Zuko wondered again how this twelve-year-old _child_ could evade him so easily.

A servant opened the door to Zuko's left, rather louder than need be. Zuko gritted his teeth. "Leave me now. Unless it's import--"

The next moment he found himself on the ground, having been tackled by something chest-high and rabid. The realization that it was a human did not stop him from letting off a pair of fireblasts in his opponent's direction as he extricated himself.

When he did, the first thing he saw was the mess. His papers had been strewn everywhere. Two had been burnt by his blasts, and the rest were in disarray on the floor.

In the center of the mess was a girl."Lyke hi! I'm Princess Sparrkyelle Shyneenstar & I luff you an think ur so hott an i wanna smex u up!"

(OMGA/N: IF U STELE MY CHARRY U DIE I MADE HER UP Princess Sparrkyelle Shyneenstar is like five feet tall and she's thirteen and she has curves in all the right places and her hairs is golden like the sun and she wares it in to buns but they have ponytails to and her eyes r bluer than the bluest icy seas in the water& what she's wearing is:A chinese robe down2 the ground but it have splits up either side like I dunno no1 else wears but it's red and has GOLD FLOWERS AND PINK DRAGONS and her hair has a dragon in if thats made of a purple emerald and she have a flower around her necck and high heels.)

Prince Zuko blinked, anger subsiding momentarily. "What?"

"UR lyke so hott adn I wanna marry u and have hott secks every-"

This was the point at which Zuko stopped listening. "GUARDS!"

The guards came running. "Sir?"

"How did this... this..."he pointed to Princess Sparrkyelle Shyneenstar to make his point, but still couldn't find a word, "_this_ get into my room?"

"Sir, I don't-"

"I GOT IN THROUGH THE POWER OF LOVE SILLY!" Princess Sparrkyelle Shyneenstar interrupted. "FOR I AM A LOVEBENDER! AND U R HOTT AND U WILL BE MINE SMEXAH ZUKO!"

She ran at Zuko, who shot a fireball at her feet. Princess Sparrkyelle Shyneenstar looked down at the fireblasted floor, then sat down and began to wail. "AH! My Zuko does wuv me! He proved it!" Her eyes affected to become larger than her head, and large pink tears began dropping out of them.

Zuko smacked his forehead. The guards exchanged glances with each other. One of them looked over to where Zuko was standing. "Is she insane, Milord?"

Princess Sparrkyelle Shyneenstar stiffened. She turned toward the old guard, still sitting. "U! U r lyke a h8r agenst my pure love! U r just a flamor adn i will not listen to u for Zuko loves me he wil MARRY ME FOREVAR." She began enumerating the things that she planned between herself and Zuko, and soon all the men in the room were wearing disgusted looks.

"You there!" interrupted an old guard. "Show some respect, and do not ever speak in that manner about the prince!" He stepped forward angrily.

Princess Sparrkyelle Shyneenstar jumped up and glared at the guard. "i will prove my love! with my... LOVE JAM!" Something resembling strawberry jam began forming at the tips of her fingers, and the next minute she threw it at the guard.

Unfortunately it missed and hit the wall, sliding down to the floor with a gooey plop.

"O well!" Princess Sparrkyelle Shyneenstar tackled Zuko again. Or would have, had he not stepped aside. The princess fell down, and stood up again, and Zuko ended the matter by catching hold of a wrist and holding the girl at arm's length. Princess Sparrkyelle Shyneenstar went limp.

"What is it?" Zuko was almost hesitant to ask.

"u r touchign me tihs is teh happiest day of my life i luff u zuko dont let me go!"

Zuko handed the princess off to the guards.

"Take her somewhere. Anywhere. As long at it's got a thick lock." The guards complied, and Zuko was left alone, with only a disgusted face, a mess of papers and the blob of jelly on the floor. He scooped the papers onto the desk, burned the jelly, and went to search for his uncle.

* * *

"Plenty of icebergs out there tonight." 

"Uncle, were you even _lis_tening?"

"Yah. Lots of those icebergs." Iroh turned from the rail to face Zuko. "Of course I am listening. What is the problem, Prince Zuko?"

Zuko opened his mouth, but stopped as Iroh frowned at something over his shoulder. He turned to see Princess Sparrkyelle Shyneenstar emerge from the ship's interior. She was surrounded by a glowing shining pink light that sparked occcasionally and was followed closely by a number of guards. "u will nevar stand btween me and my love!"shouted the princess, andproceeded to cover the guards with Love Jam.

"That." Prince Zuko pointed. "It got onto our ship, and I want to know how. We're miles from any harbor."

Iroh cast another glance over the rail. "But plenty of ice around."

"Yes, uncle, I realize that the sea contains ice!" Zuko snapped, then realized that he had spoken too loudly.

"Zuuuko my 1 and only luv!" Princess Sparrkyelle Shyneenstar's head snapped toward the source of Zuko's voice. Zuko turned toward her, hands beginning to form streaks of fire, when something flashed through his mind. He threw Iroh a quick triumphant grin, and the fire disappeared.

"Fine, come here!"

Princess Sparrkyelle Shyneenstar needed no further invitation. She tore toward Zuko. Zuko waited until the princess was within arm's reach, then performed a stunning throw.

Moments later Princess Sparrkylle Shyneenstar made close acquaintence with the water.

The guards, having extracted themselves from most of the Love Jam,clustered at the rail. Princess Sparrkyelle Shyneenstar was already falling behind, bobbing stationary and watching the iron side of the ship pass her. "...are you sure she won't drown, sir?" one of them asked.

Iroh glanced over the rail. "Plenty of ice out there tonight."


	4. AMS Number Three: Avatards

To all readers:

I know I haven't updated in a while, and for that I apologize: first it was AP tests, then it was graduation, then it was vacation (awesome and fun, thanks for asking), now it's packing for college. I hope to continue updating, because there are a number of ideas I haven't touched upon. Thanks for being supportive and all, and I promise you, the buffet will continue.

* * *

AMS #3: Avatards.

Type: Ubiquitous, Omnipresent. Subsets: Obvious, annoying, ubiquitous, unrelenting, self-perpetuating.

Sokka looked down at his stomache, then over at his sister meaningfully. "Pleeeease, Katara?"

"Fine, fine."Katara exchanged a long-suffering look with Aang, except that Aang had no idea that Katara was long-suffering and grinned happily. "I suppose that means we're going to land for tonight?"

"Yup!" Aang nodded happily. "Okay, Appa. Down there!"

The bison didn't respond. Katara reflected that this may have been a good thing.

* * *

"OkayI'mgoingtogogetfoodbebackinaminute." 

Katara made to call after her brother, butSokka was already gone. She turned to Aang, who was attending to Appa. "I guess that leaves us to build the fire."

Aang looked at her upside down from his perch on Appa's horns.

"...me to build the fire," corrected Katara. She began collecting wood, and dropped most of it as a tree screamed at her.

"What?" Katara stumbled backward ungracefully. Something flew at her out of the tree, and she aimed the wood still in her hand like a baseball bat at the flying object. It connected with the object; more specifically, with the object's head. The object fell to the ground, unconscious.

The object turned out to be a girl. (OMGA/N: HEr name is Hanashini Kashifotu ANd SHE IS TEH MINe DONOT STEIL seh is tal and pretty and beautiful becasue she has balck hair like black like coal and midnite and its cut in a diagonal cut with the bangs down to her waste adn at teh back its up on her nape of her neck but sometimes she wares it in a ponytai9l adn she washed it with Pantene Pro-V for Extra-Silky Shines and its balck and also she's waering a Japanese kimono its red and white and has green fans and she has a goldenlike sun fan in one hand and a sword in teh other and her eyes are pruple but they R sometimes blue.)

Katara stepped forward and wondered how the girl had managed to keep hold of both fan and sword in her fall. Aang jumped down off the bison and used the air to propel himself to his feet. "Katara, what happened?"

"Erm..." Katara blinked. "I'm not sure."

Aang made his way to Katara's side. "Wow, her hair is weird." Katara rolled her eyes and crouched, putting a hand on the girl's shoulder. "Are you alright?"

The girl's eyes shot open and the girl shot to her feet.

"Wha are you? I am Hanashini Kashifotu adn i an the Avatar!"

This time it was Aang's turn to blink. "Uh, no you're not."

"stfu yo yes I am!" Hanashini Kashifotu looked at Aang. "Wait, who're ytou?"

"He's the Avatar," Katara felt compelled to introduce.

"omg no hes not TEH last I'm an Avatar to!" Hanashini Kashifotu shot a fireball half an inch around to prove her point.

"That was just a fireball," Katara pointed out.

Hanashini Kashifotu glared and followed the fireball up with an earthball, a waterball, and an airball, except that no one could see the airball. Aang giggled. "They're tiny!"

Hanashini Kashifotu glared again, but before she could say anything else, another person jumped out of a tree and landed beside her. "I am Sanjuichi Honyakusuru and I am teh Avatar!" (OMGA/N: Sanjuichi Honyakusuru is MIENMINE and she is pretty with balck hair adn a hourglass..)figure)

"omg no you are teh not!" Hanashini Kashifotu glared at Sanjuichi Honyakusuru. Aang and Katara stared.

Sanjuichi Honyakusuru glared back."YEs I am adn I hav power!" She shot a fireball half an inch in length at Hanashini Kashifotu.

Hanashini Kashifotu slapped Sanjuichi Honyakusuru.

Sanjuichi Honyakusuru slapped Hanashini Kashifotu.

A third girl jumped out of a tree and landed beside the two. "I am Hokiboshi Burausu adfn I an teh other AVatar!" (OMGA/N: KIMONO! HAIR! MINE!) Hanashini Kashifotu and Sanjuichi Honyakusuru stared. Sanjuichi Honyakusuru slapped Hokiboshi Burausu.

Katara and Aang decided to back away as a fourth girl fell off a tree beside the other tree. "Sokka?" Katara called.

Sokka tore out of the forest, running toward Appa as fast as he posssibly could. "Run!" he told Katara and Aang over his shoulder. "Run away!"

Katara and Aang ran. Hardly had they reached the bison than a horde of black-haired, be-kiminoed girls with hourglass figures emerged from the forest. They stopped upon seeing the four already there, then, to the gAang's amazement, began slapping each other. Hanashini Kashifotu threw a fireball at Hokiboshi Burausu. The rest of the avatars began attacking each other, with minimal success. No one noticed as Aang told Appa to "yip yip!" and the gAang disappeared int othe sky.

"What was that?" Sokka asked, some forty miles later. Katara and Aang exchanged glances.

"Erm," said Katara.

"Uh," said Aang.

"We're not going to talk about that," Katara decided.

"But..."

"NO!"

Sokka shut up for the space of a mile. Then he spoke up again. "Katara?"

"What?"

"I'm hungry."

* * *

-Hanashini Kashifotu: nonsense. 

-Sanjuichi Honyakusuru: Thirty-one Translate.

-Hokiboshi Burausu: Comet Blouse.


	5. AMS Number Four: The ASuela

PTG: Yes, it's been a while. Maybe a little more than a while. But I've been busy as all getout, and that's a thing that's not looking to change anytime soon. My effort's going two places: schoolwork and my novel. ((Should you want to know, the one'll be ready to publish in about a yearish (but then there's publishing to worry about), and the other I've been doing better in than ever.))

Anyway. I'm not actively antiSue anymore, because I've found it to be a stage people go through (the problem arises when people don't get through it). But! The show's changed enough that I think I've got enough fodder for another couple chapters.

The setting here is right after the Season 2 Finale.

* * *

AMS 4 – the A-Sue-la

**Types: **Canon-violation, Maudlin, Ex-Charactus; **Subsets:** Owmybrain, Invasive.

Azula woke up one morning and Felt Pretty.

_That_ wasn't right. Or was it? She felt distinctly in need of brushing her hair with precisely 159 strokes to either side, nevermind her hair was barely half long enough to do that to. She also felt like- like –

She _crushed_ the urge to put on makeup. Something was _wrong_.

Azula stood from her bunk – oh my, her room didn't have enough pink in it! She really should fix that! – and sashayed in the direction of the door.

Azula didn't sa_shay_.

She didn't even knock – though her hand wanted to – on the door to Mai and Tai Li's room; she did, though, stomp, because her feet were trying to mince. "Hello, girls! How are you doing? I need a-" she clamped a hand over her mouth.

Mai didn't even look up from her book (black leather binding that she had ordered specially carved with blooddrops). "Azula, what's wrong."

"Yeah, what happened to you?" Tai Li arched over the edge of her bunk, looked at Azula, then kicked her feet over and landed with a thump. Tai Li _never_ lamped with a thump.

"Mai, there's something wrong with Azula!"

Mai looked over the top of her pages, then lowered her eyes again. "Ugh, she looks _girly_. Azula, you look better without _any_ makeup, and that Kyoshi stuff doesn't _count_."

"I don't think that's what's wrong," Tai Li said doubtfully, and looked at Azula again. "Can you tell us what's wrong? Why're you all pink? It's cute, but it's not _you_."

"Of _course_ it's not me, I mean, really, don't you think pastels would-" Azula clenched her teeth and shut her mouth. "There's something wrong," she said, teeth still clenched.

"I'll say," Tai Li nodded, and leaned over to pick up a mirror. "See?"

And Azula did see.

(OMGA/N: AZULA ISN'T MY CHARRY EXxcept shes mike ad n Byrans (I LOV U GAIZ MIAKE & BRIAN IF UR READNIG THIS : ))))) ) but i wish I made her up! She lookd liek azula from the show except swhe have this braid is doewn her back all teh way to the floor & her makeup is rogue all over her cheeks in Roseblush Moonshine Shade Available At walmrat! and also her eyeliner is bright blue Death Twilight and her lipstick is Crimson Dream Of Lily Pretties and her perfume is Eau d'Orinateureuse Sans Allez-Viens Pommes and she adh long blue and neon fingernails sixteen inches long.)

"Azula, are you sick?" Mai deadpanned.

Azula skipped – she couldn't help it – to the door and rushed out.

* * *

The cell was dark and lonely and boring. Iroh practiced meditation and dreamed of oolong. 

"Out of my way, fools!"

_That_ voice was familiar, even if it was followed by a "mwah, _thank_ you so much ;)" and Iroh heard a key scraping in his cell's lock, and Azula pirouetted in.

Iroh would've ignored her, except that she looked right out of a street circus. He suppressed a laugh and pretended to be meditating.

"Old man! You-" Azula stopped and stuttered and looked furious with herself, "w-would you please assist me, pretty please with sugar and ponies on top of sweetie-pie cherries cut in halves?"

Iroh opened one eye. "I would not, but if you ask so nicely-"

"Shut-" Azula tried to clench her fists, but the sixteen-inch nails got in the way. "Be quiet if you pl-"

"You are being very nice, Azula," Iroh observed.

"That's the _problem,_" Azula snarled.

"Do you have a question? I am very busy, you know."

Azula scowled. "Old man, tell me what in the world c-" she swallowed, "what this is. What happened?"

"Oh, it is only a curse." Iroh shook his head. "Very simple to cure. I am sure a bright girl like you can figure it out on her own."

Azula's hand shot out to grab the front of Iroh's robe. "_Tell me_."

Iroh watched her.

"_Fine_," she spat, and let him go. Two of the sixteen-inch nails broke off, clattering to the cell floor. "I'm so totally awesomely prettyspecial:D!" she stopped herself, and choked out: "I'll fix it _without_ your help."

"I am sure you will," Iroh said, and smiled. And the smile dropped as she left the cell, and him in it. She wouldn't, of course. Which was where Iroh's Cunning Plan came in.

* * *

PTG: W-what's this? a _two-part AMS?_

That's _exactly_ what it is. I'll up again soonish, or after finals if it comes to that.


End file.
